Recently I have received some of the greatest compliments of my life. And each time I have been absolutely baffled by them. Friends with a LOT more parenting experience than my 2 short years have called me “inspiring”, “impressive”, and I have been told that I help them seek to be better parents. I asked my husband what these people are seeing that I don’t, he responded with “You go and do things! You’re always on the go with 3 really young kids. You are always smiling and happy about it too.” I don’t buy that, I for one, am NOT always smiling and happy, some days I am very cranky and unhappy, but more than that, I am not the first mom with little kids to go for walks or go grocery shopping, and yet the comments keep coming. But, I think I have finally figured out what they’re seeing.
When we had Bug, it was after two miscarriages. One on Christmas day. In that time of suffering I finally “let go and let God”. I have this amazing habit of being a control freak. I want to figure everything out myself. That doesn’t go well with living a life that is surrendered to God. I still don’t know why my miscarriages happened, I do know that those two children we lost are in Heaven and that one day I will meet them. I also know that when we had Bug, I was in a place where I was ready for God to fully take control of my life. When brought that little squishy dude home, and we looked at each other and had NO IDEA what we were supposed to do with him, so we gave him to God.
The timing of S and A was kind of insane. I knew I was pregnant, and my family was suffering from wanderlust and had just moved, and Jordan suggested that maybe we join them. He put out some feelers to see what would happen. We liked the idea of our kids growing up with family nearby and in the desert like we had. He had had one interview in Mid October, and then on Oct 28 I went to the doctor for my first ultrasound. That was when we learned we were having twins. It was in that moment Jordan looked at me and said “We’re moving.” So we gave it to God. On October 31, we learned that the interview Jordan had, was turning into a job. We had a month to get our house on the market, and move across the state. So we did. We stayed with family, our house sold incredibly fast, and on March 21, we moved into our new home. April 26, S and A joined our crew, a little over 5 weeks early. As I labored that morning, one thought played in my head “it’s too early, they’re going to NICU”. And they did. So I gave them to God. S spent 2 weeks exactly there, A came home on day 12. Thank the Lord, no breathing problems, no heart issues, healthy! just a little on the small side.
See the reason that I don’t see what others are seeing is because I know myself too well. I am selfish, I am not patient, I can be condescending, and rude. I often don’t act in love. But, I have surrendered my kids, my marriage and myself to God, and He has changed those things in me. I am not a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. I have no idea what I am doing, and I am almost positive I have to apologize daily. Understand, you are not seeing me, you are seeing the work that God has done through me, and to me. If I have any success in this endeavor, it is only by His grace. So thank you, to anyone who has reached out to me recently. I hope that we can all support each other through this journey, and that God can be glorified in my life.